Friday, April 23, 2010

Life as of 4.23.10

This is what has been happening in my life:

- Trying out for field commander (drum major). It's been going okay other than the fact that I'm up against four friends and I want to cheer them on, but also hoping for their downfall. It's stressful and I think I'll be happy once auditions are over.

- Trying out for show choir. It's less stressful, because I've been in it, so whatever.

- Hoping I remain interesting before someone else leaves me behind. That's what happened with my boyfriend when we broke up, even though he didn't say it.

- My boyfriend and I broke up. It sucks and I don't know what to think. We haven't talked for a few days, which is giving me time, but I hate it. To be honest, I didn't see any problems with us. But he did. Even though my feelings still haven't changed, I think he's moved on away from me already which feels terribly sad. I'm lonier than I pretend to be, which feels silly when our relationship mostly consisted of a name on my phone screen. I hide what I'm feeling although everytime I hear a sad song, I file it away in my head to add to a breakup playlist on my iPod later. I know it might seem silly to be this confused with a relationship that only lasted about four months, but I really like him. (This subject has lasted longer than intended)

- Finishing some writing for our writing club finale meeting. I haven't written actual pieces except deeply depressing poems in a while and I need to drack down on it.

- Dealing with everybody leaving this year. So many friends are graduating and I might give them a little something.

- Finding something to do other than wallow in self-pity while everyone else goes to prom. Someone tried to find me a date, but kept suggesting sophomores or weirdies. Sigh. I don't like this whole... me thing.

-Dealing with what I want. Everything is so twisted and confusing lately and I hate it. I was talking with someone last night while I was really insecure about field commander stuff. She said, "I'll love you no matter what." The thing is, I can't say the same about me. I don't love ME no matter what. And that's a big problem.

Well, I have auditions tonight. Wish me luck!

1 comment:

  1. 1. you are interesting. you are a fascinating person. <3
    2. i'd love to read your stuff. :D
    3. i love you.
    4. i love you.
    5. loving yourself is hard. but you can do it. really. someday. i promise. :)